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3 Steps to Stop Being An Arguing Couple

Communication Skills for an Arguing Couple

Your Way? My Way? Best Way is Compromise


Arguing is almost always going to happen eventually in married couples and long-term relationships. Arguing often leads to anger. Learning how to change your attitude can help you reduce angry feelings.

The best case is for arguments to be more like a debate or a discussion, where all stances on the issue are seen in an equal light, and the two people discussing the issue are respectful and pleasant, and eventually come to a compromise or a decision that both can agree upon.

3 Communication Skills To Manage Your Arguments

You can learn to manage your arguments just like you manage other aspects of your life.

1. Managing Your Own Feelings

One of the most important skills in mature and effective communication is managing your own feelings. This is particularly true in control of anger, so you can be level-headed and argue about ideas rather than sinking into your emotions and trying to overcome your partner.

Begin to manage yourself by scheduling your “argument” for a specific time and for a specific duration of time. For example, “I don ‘t like ___ (fill in the blank) and I want to tell you about it at 8:00 pm tonight for 15 minutes. I figure the children will be in bed by then. Would that time work for you?”

Also, at the earliest possible time you feel a bad feeling about your spouse, remind yourself that you want your spouse to be your friend and you don’t trash a friend. You can never actually take back your words.

2. State Your Understanding of What Your Spouse Said

Learn to state your understanding of what your spouse means and says without giving your understanding with a bad attitude.

This means you have to give a really clear explanation to demonstrate that you truly understand what was said to you. You are not the judge over whether or not you understand your spouse. Your spouse is the only one who can determine if you fully understand or not, and no matter how strongly you think you know what your spouse means, you have to allow the idea you might be wrong.

You will want to learn to explain your spouse’s position so it makes logical sense to you, and keeps your spouse in a good light, otherwise your spouse will continue to feel misunderstood and your relationship problems will continue.

3. State Your Own Position as an Idea

In order to avoid angry arguments, you would do well to learn how to state your own position as an idea so it does not seem defensive and does not attack your partner.

When you are stating your position, none of your statements should state or imply that your partner is doing something wrong. You could say you might not do something that way, or that you don’t like the consequences of doing whatever it was, but don’t label your spouse’s behavior as wrong or bad.

This latter recommendation does not always work in discussions of infidelity, and there may be other exceptional situations where this would not apply.

When you regularly practice these three skills to help you stop arguing and stick with them, you may experience a significant improvement in your relationship, regardless whether your spouse agrees to make the same changes.

I wish you much success in improving your communication and eradicating harmful arguing.