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Learning How to Be Romantic...Again

Identifying the Problem of Not Being Romantic

“I’m just not romantic. That’s all there is to it. It’s not who I am. What do you want out of me?” You have no idea how many people (especially men) come into my office and say something like this.

These people portray themselves as handicapped when it comes to romance. They say they aren’t naturally good at being romantic, so they give up trying. As a result, their skills in romance never improve. Often, though, I find they have skills they don’t use anymore. In either case, if you say you are not romantic, you’re giving an excuse for not trying.

Which is too bad for at least two reasons:

  • First, romance can be incredibly important in intimate relationships. It creates opportunities for intimacy that almost nothing else can. Without it, the intimate connection you have with your spouse tends to whither.
  • Second, romance is a skill, not a talent. Sure, some people are more naturally romantic than others. But it’s not as though you are born with a “romantic gene” or you’re born without one. People who aren’t naturally romantic can certainly learn how to be by practicing the right skills.

If you haven’t been romantic with your spouse recently, one of the fastest and easiest ways you can improve your marriage is by reigniting the romantic spark you once had.


You may say that you aren’t the “romantic type” or you were “never romantic.” But that’s a little hard for me to believe as well. Perhaps you are defining “romantic” so that it excludes what you do or what you did early in your relationship.

If you’re married, it’s very likely that you were romantic at some point with your spouse. Now is the time to bring those old skills back to life and become the romantic person you once were.

It’s not hard to do. You don’t have to be Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Angelina Jolie, or Charlize Theron to be romantic with your spouse. You don’t have to wine and dine your spouse at fancy restaurants like they do in the movies (though you can if you wish to). You don’t need any of that to start being romantic today.

All you need are a few simple strategies that will help you show your spouse you care by being attentive to her and her needs.


In the next article Three Tips to Bring Romance Back Into Your Marriage, I am going to give a crash course in romance for the notoriously unromantic. I will focus on three specific romantic things you can do to make your spouse feel special and increase the intimacy in your relationship.

Three Tips to Bring Romance Back Into Your Marriage is for those of you who say you “just aren’t romantic.” I offer these ideas to you to begin improving your relationship, increase your intimacy, and start having fun in your marriage again.