It is very important who you choose as a marriage therapist. There are many things to consider. Unfortunately, you experienced 2 misguided marriage counselors. The easiest way to counsel an individual and have that individual feel good about the counselor and the counseling is for the counselor to validate and thus encourage that individual’s victim-hood. This is the situation you found yourself in.
The more difficult, and in my opinion more effective in the long-run, path is to help the individual understand his or her own participation in, and responsibility for, the problem situation.
It is self-management that makes the most effective difference in both individual counseling and in couples counseling. In my opinion, when a counselor takes the position that no one is at fault, then there is no one left who can fix the problem. However, fault-finding is a problem in itself and perhaps your counselor(s) were ineffectively trying to work with you on that issue. This seems to create a conundrum, doesn’t it?
The answer is that both of you are “at fault” and you each need to learn to manage yourselves individually and together in order to repair your situation.
Although it is often difficult for one and sometimes for both partners to fully grasp this concept as applied to themselves, you created the problems together, almost like a team. After even only one spouse truly understands the full implication of this, I find there is usually a major turn-around in the relationship. I don’t mean to say that the understanding in itself fixes the marital problems, but it creates a clear path and a sense of relief that there is a way out of these awful feelings.
Quite a few couples have worked this out using my books for marriage repair available at this link. Of course you understand that a self-help program does not have the power of direct intervention customized to your situation and personalities.
I wish you the best success in accepting and learning self-management to improve your marriage to be better than ever. Warm Regards.
