Immature Spouses – Not Ready to Be Adult Spouse and Parent

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Dear Dr. Gunzburg

I met my husband around 4 years ago. We got together for a couple of months. After we started dating I got pregnant and right after we got married. We are [now] married for 2 years and 8 months and we have a two-year-old baby boy.

Two weeks ago my husband left me saying that he doesn't love me anymore, that we grew apart and that we don't have anything in common to fight for. We shared a cell phone account and I found out he has been talking and texting with a woman. He said he is not leaving me for another woman and that he never cheated on me, that she is emotional support for him.

We were having problems because after my son was born my libido went to the floor and he always complained I stopped being a wife. Now he said he wants to concentrate on himself and build a career. He doesn't want to work at all in our marriage, I'm devastated and I see him like nothing is going on.

How can I approach him to try to work things out again, if he doesn't want it and keeps saying he doesn't love me and keeps talking with this woman all day long?

-Devastated in Louisiana

Dear Devastated,

Your description of your husband fits someone who is immature. He is not prepared to take on the caring and responsibility of being an adult spouse and parent.

From what you have described, he is probably good at dating and early-stage relationships, but he does not know how to stay in love for the long-haul. You are not the only one who will hurt from his behavior. Your son will miss out on not having his own father living in the house with him, perhaps even growing up thinking his father left because of him. There are many other difficulties associated with growing up with divorced parents.

Even if your husband has not been physical with the other woman, you could still call this at the very least an emotional affair and he is demonstrating a problem in his personal character.

You might try getting him to see a marriage counselor with you, but even if he agrees, he can still single-handedly sabotage the therapy and your marriage. I am sorry to have to give you this bad news, but I suspect you already knew.

My best wishes to you during this painful time,

If you want to work with me, I offer marriage counseling in Maryland, to couples from all over the world. I am intentionally out-of-network for all insurance plans. My fees are based on $260 per hour, with a 45 minute session costing $195. I also have self-help programs available.

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