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Not Enough Sex in Marriage?

Are You Worried That There Is Not Enough Sex in Your Marriage?

Often, I hear the complaint about not enough sex in marriage. Many of you might erroneously think only men complain about sexual frequency. The truth is that sometimes it’s the man who feels deprived and sometimes it’s the woman who complains about not enough sexual interest from her spouse.

Low sexual desire can come from either partner

If you were in my office complaining that your spouse wasn’t having sex frequently enough for you, I would need to evaluate if this is a mostly physical situation or something else. Some situations that are usually mostly physical include:

  • one person being overly tired most of the time due to a demanding schedule and responsibilities
  • a chronic illness such as diabetes
  • hormonal issues such as post-partum, menopause or low testosterone.

Some examples of psycho-social situations, as contrasted with physical, would include low sexual interest due to

  • anger
  • grief
  • disappointment
  • depression
  • distrust.

Obviously, each of these situations would have different understandings and be treated differently.

Communication About Sex is Very Important

Having one person with more sexual appetite than the other is not the whole picture, either. For example, how does the person with less interest decline a sexual invitation, and also, how does the person who is wanting sex accept the spouse’s turn-down? These social interactions in the marriage can make the difference between a minor annoyance and a major problem.

It’s easy to understand how the differences in sexual desire regarding frequency can be made worse by mistreatment of each other when your desires don’t match.

Most couples do not have major sexual desire problems early in the relationship. After you or your spouse complain several times, though, particularly if your complaints are registered with an edge in your voice, you can create a vicious cycle of bad feelings that gets worse over time.

If you don’t resolve this discrepancy with other caring and non-physical intimacy, your situation can easily start to feel permanent. Unfortunately, many couples wait until they are desperate, which means they are arriving in my office with a long history of bad feelings and hurtful words.

Sexual Problems Can Be Fixed

In summary, I have found that many sexual “problems” can be fixed with kindness, thoughtfulness, personal caring, and patience. You have to throw away your old expectations of being turned on like when you were dating. People who get hooked on wanting that feeling all the time and every time often end up having multiple affairs, short-lived multiple marriages, or a tortured life of feeling deprived.

Slow down, be kind and considerate of your partner, and adapt and you can still have wonderful “fireworks” experiences, just perhaps not every time and not all the time.

Wishing you a long and successful marriage filled with many “fireworks” experiences.,