Why Am I Jealous?
Do you think there is good reason for your jealous feelings and insecurity?
If jealousy is new to you and your relationship, then perhaps something else is going on. Ask yourself what, if anything, your spouse might be doing to make you feel jealous.
Your First Course of Action
If you can identify specific behaviors in your spouse that promote your insecure feelings, your first course of action should be to talk over your concerns with your partner. Of course, the way you talk about your feelings of jealousy could either help or harm your relationship. If you start out with accusations, not only will you invite your spouse to be defensive, but you might create or make worse a jealousy relationship, creating a negative back-and-forth in your marriage that could easily escalate.
Talk out your insecurities or jealousies.
Before you talk to your spouse about the bothersome behavior you've seen or heard directly, or heard about from others, coach yourself first to approach the conversation with an open mind. Remind yourself that you are about to talk with your friend, not a convicted criminal. Allow for the possibility that you misunderstood or you have incorrect information.
I am not suggesting for you to be naive.
If this is one in a series of occurrences, you don't have to continue to think your spouse is innocent. Understand, too, l am discussing jealousies or suspicions and not clear infidelity or a marital affair. If you have unquestionable evidence, such as finding a text on your spouse’s phone that says, “I really enjoyed sex with you last night”, or walking in on your spouse making out with someone else, that is a different topic.
Learn to give the benefit of the doubt
Before you talk with your spouse, give yourself the mental exercise of giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt, if possible. For example, you saw your spouse get out of a car with someone of the opposite sex. Think to yourself, “What innocent situation could possibly explain the situation I just saw?” For example, it might have been a new regional supervisor who insisted on having lunch as an introduction, or perhaps your spouse’s boss asked your spouse to attend a meeting with that person and insisted they travel together to discuss a plan of action.
Relationship boundaries are important.
If your spouse was close to or actually crossed a boundary of your relationship, be specific about your expectation(s) for your relationship boundaries. Ask for input from your spouse. You will get more information if you treat your inquiry in a business-like way, rather than as enemies.
I recommend the following steps for setting your relationship boundaries:
- You decide where you want your boundaries to be. This could be tough because you might not agree at first. For example, one of you might think that flirting or full-body hugging is within the acceptable limits, while the other of you might want these outside your relationship boundaries. For the sake of your marriage, I urge you to err on the reserved side.
- If you have a significant difference of opinion between you in the last step, perhaps there are other issues, discontentment, or complaints that need to be addressed first.
- Consider your agreement from step one as your fail-safe boundaries. Those are the boundaries that without question are over the limit. Write them down.
- Considering your fail-safe boundaries, what would be
safer position for your marriage? For example, if you agreed that a full-body hug would be over the line, a safer position would be a side-by-side one-armed hug, or, even safer, no hugging at all across sexes.
- Write down your safer boundaries. These should be the “fence” around your marriage. If your marriage is valuable you should protect it from even potential dangers. After all, would you use a new and expensive computer in your bathtub? Would you play catch with a valuable diamond ring in the ocean?
- Commit to following your boundaries. They may need modifications as you go through time, but you will need a fence around your marriage forever to remind you how valuable are your family, your marriage, and your spouse.
Are you feeling jealous for no cause and asking yourself "Do I have insecurity in my relationship?"
Do you have problems in your marriage with jealousy: Do You Have a Controlling Spouse or Are You Provoking Jealousy
