What is Anger Management All About?

Is Managing Anger in Your Marriage Really Possible?

What is anger management? As long as we have been civilized, we have been asking if managing anger is possible. Even some of the earliest writers were questioning whether we had to get mad or not. In other words, is anger necessary as an emotion?

In order to answer these questions, let us look at the history of anger. Losing ones temper is a primitive response that helped early man deal with enemies. It is a physiological response to threats. The American Psychological Association (APA) website on anger says: "The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival." An enemy is someone who intends real harm to you, your family, or your possessions. In modern relationships, there are almost no legitimate enemies. We need solutions, not enemy survival physiology when confronted with something you don't like in your spouse.

In marriages, certainly, there should be no legitimate enemy. If there is no "real" enemy in a modern marriage, then how do you avoid getting angry when your spouse doesn't listen to you, or insults you, or is disrespectful to you? First, you have to appreciate that feelings occur, almost always, based on how you interpret the situation.

When you ask, what is anger management, you may find anger management techniques that focus on controlling the anger once you are already angry. It is difficult to change your feelings once you are mad. The time and focus for change is before you get angry. Real management of anger occurs in your thinking, when you teach yourself to change your thinking and attitude so you interpret situations in a way that diffuses bad feelings rather than encouraging them. You can read more about What is Anger Management on the APA website.

For years, I have been helping couples avoid getting angry at each other by teaching each spouse to manage his or her thinking. Once you have mastered the skill of managing your thinking there may be no need to learn further anger management. When you do this successfully your anger will be so diffused as to be almost nonexistent.

For starters, I offer tips on communication skills in the middle of this page: Three Steps to Manage Your Arguments. For more advice on avoiding anger see my page Helping Arguing Couples To Stop Fighting All the Time.

Or, if you want direct and personalized help, you can call me to schedule personal consultations at the rate of $260 per 60 minutes. You can see me in my office in Pikesville, Maryland which is part of Baltimore. My direct phone number is 410.654.1300. The toll-free number is 1.866.654.1300.

I wish you all the best in your efforts to create a marriage that is better than it ever was, and wonderful in all the ways you are willing to work toward.

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