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Save Your Marriage--The True Cost of Divorce
- Awful marriage?
- Terrible spouse?
- Lover in your thoughts?
- Affair on the side?
- Thinking about divorce?
Most of you contemplating divorce from a troubled marriage are thinking how are you going to split your property, investments, and income and how are you going to manage child custody and visitation. Divorce impacts every area of your life in ways you cannot even guess at this point.
How do you solve these problems? Re-think your position. In my experience, most people who think they are falling out of love have really just hit a wall of resentment built up over years from neglect and built up, unresolved anger.
Instead of divorce, consider marriage counseling. The counseling might seem expensive, but if you can retrieve the love in your marriage and avoid divorce, you will save thousands and possibly tens of thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees and other costs, some of which are described in this article:
It's not just the obvious finances or the obvious child custody and visitation. Financially you will have to support two homes-either from one income, or from your two, individual incomes-without the benefit of combining your resources.
The process of liquidating assets can come at an inopportune time based on the market values, or one spouse might make unreasonable demands on the sale price of your home. I am always surprised when an otherwise perfectly reasonable and up-until-now friendly, or even loving, spouse can lose all thinking capacity and be willing to give up large sums of money in anger, thinking it might hurt the partner who is asking for the divorce.
Similarly, one partner might intentionally drive up the legal costs for the same reason. Or, maybe you will have trouble coming to an acceptable custody and property agreement. These situations can quickly add up to tens of thousands of dollars.
Personally, you will have more child-care needs because you won't be there to relieve each other. Coordinating carpools and after-school activities will be more difficult because everything will take phone calls or emails. You might think you already do this, but believe me, it has a different quality after you separate.
Insurance and tax expenses will go up because you are not benefitting from family discounts. For many who divorce, even food expenses go up because it usually costs less to cook for two together than for two individuals.
If you have children, and the non-custodial parent is active and interested in spending time with the children, the custodial parent might be in the disadvantaged position in relating to the children. Often the custodial parent has to put up with day-to-day routines and general discipline, while the non-custodial parent has more time to do the fun activities with less need for discipline. This puts the children in a situation similar to the position of the cheating spouse in an affair: home represents drudgery and boredom, while time with the lover is set aside just to have fun.
If you have children, imagine your new lover and his or her family being part of your children's lives. You and your current spouse will always be parents together, and your spouse's family will always be a part of your children's lives.
What will you do at birthday parties? What about your child's wedding? Who will pay for the wedding? Who will attend the wedding? Who will participate in the wedding? Who will your child want to go down the aisle with: you and your ex? Or your spouse alone? Or your spouse and the new spouse?
Of course, there are holidays and vacations. You now have at least three families, and up to possibly six, vying for your children: you, your ex-spouse, and your ex-spouse's new in-laws, your ex-spouse's parents and/or your parents, and possibly your new in-laws.
Your extended family will probably want this continuing involvement with the children. Does that come out of your time with your children or from your ex-spouse's time with them?
How is your new partner going to feel about your spending time with your previous family? Or spending money on your children from the previous spouse?
And what about the situation where you and your new partner have your own children? Certainly that will change your time and money priorities, if not for you, then at least for your new spouse.
Or, you might be on the other end of this problem: your children are not receiving the time from your ex-spouse and money you think is owed them. You are left having to deal with your hurt children seeing the "preferred" family "hogging" your ex-spouse's time and money. And, there's nothing you can do about it. And, these situations can arise no matter what good intentions you had or your ex-spouse told you during your separation and divorce.
Do you want to know how to solve these problems? Consider changing your mind. I can help you tear down that wall of resentment built up over years from neglect and taking for granted what you have.
Instead of divorce, consider marriage counseling. I can help you retrieve the love in your marriage and avoid divorce, you will save thousands and possibly tens of thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees and other costs, some of which are described in this article.
I wish you all the best in finding the love you've lost in the spouse whose history you have shared for years.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
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