You Had an Affair and Now You Want to Repair Your Marriage
In order to lie to your spouse and cheat on your marriage vow, betray your spouse's trust, and risk losing your marriage and children, your character had to slip into a shameful place.
I assume your reading this because you're interested in holding on to your marriage.
It may not be possible. If you are going to do your part, you have to contribute to making your relationship better than it ever was. No one will truly know if you are making the internal changes except you, and you have to want to make the changes because you want to repair your character and become a better person. No one else can do that wanting for you.
Now that you've been discovered, here are some beginning steps you can take to help you and your spouse heal.
1. End the affair and sever all contact with the lover.
Why does this even need to be mentioned? End the infidelity? Of course!
I recommend a specific way for you to terminate with the paramour. I hear of so many mistakes made at this juncture, even by well-meaning and experienced therapists whose incomplete instructions contribute to keeping the extra-marital relationship alive. These are therapists I respect for their general work with couples, but not with infidelity.
The instructions are too detailed for posting here, but are available in my self-help programs, or if you work directly with me in counseling.
2. Listen to your spouse express hurt feelings about the infidelity.
This can be especially difficult for you men, but you women can have difficulty with this, too. The difficulty in listening to the hurt feelings you caused is not necessarily from indifference, which might be hurled at you, but because it is so painful for you to think of yourself being "the bad guy."
Nonetheless, it's part of the process. Your wounded spouse will most probably need to express deeply hurt feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness, and others about your betrayal and you need to listen and understand the full impact of your misbehavior.
If you're guilty of infidelity, accept the fact that, for the time being, your spouse is going to resent you, feel betrayed by you - and needs to tell you this.
If you are able, listen without being defensive. Don't try to justify your infidelity and avoid comments that throw the blame on your spouse such as "you never paid enough attention to me" or "who could blame me the way you treat me?" Remember that you always had choices and you chose to break your vow.
3. Meet your spouse's emotional needs in ways you haven't before.
You have to improve your marriage, hopefully to become better than ever. Find ways you can be your spouse's companion, conversational partner, family and parental partner if you have children, financial partner, and at some point, your spouse's sexual partner.
Help your spouse feel more loved than ever before. The way to think about this is that you did something awful, but out of the ashes of the affair, your spouse will get a better marriage and a better partner, and then you will, too.
Want to learn more about how to save your
marriage after infidelity? See the articles
on
Honesty,
You've Lost
That Loving Feeling,
Jealousy,
Apologize
Did you miss
Infidelity Destroys Trust
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