Children and Divorce-Staying Together for the Kids?
If you are thinking of staying together for the kids instead of getting a divorce, and you look back 30 years or more you would likely find most of the advice about children and divorce to be something akin to these comments (not my opinions):
"Show your children that you respect yourself and go for the divorce. After all, how good a parent are you if you are miserable in your marriage?"
"Children of happily divorced parents are better off than children whose parents stay together for the kids."
Unfortunately, there are people still repeating these ideas. However, we have information now that was not available when these thoughts became prevalent during the "me" years of the late 1960s and the 1970s.
It seems that the situation is not so simple. There are some specific situations where the children are better off when the parents divorce, but there are also many situations where children suffer after their parents divorce and these children of divorce continue to live out the negative impacts well into adulthood.
If you've been following my writings, you are familiar with the study I refer to from the 1990s which found that couples on the verge of divorce who managed to stayed together (for whatever reasons) were "happily married" to the same "problem spouse" when interviewed about their marriages about ten years later (78%). The same study found that those who did divorce were no happier, and not any more encouraged about the future, or satisfied with their lives at the ten-year interview. The divorce did not provide the new life these people thought they were looking for.
My understanding of these results is that the people were looking for the outside solution: if something is broken, throw it away and get a new one. The real solution is much more difficult: change yourself, and improve your character.
If you follow the difficult path of taking charge of your own life, of being responsible for your own feelings, and building your own character, your children will benefit. Think of what a wonderful model you provide for your children when you take an obviously painful marital situation and turn it around by developing yourself. You teach them that they don't have to be victims in difficult situations. You teach them that they can be powerful agents for positive change. You teach them that they have parents who understand commitment and love.
I am a registered Marriage-friendly Therapist. Here is an article and a video clip of the director of the Registry, Dr. William Doherty, covering the topic of staying together for the kids. I think you will find his video informational and helpful.
In the video, when they talk about high conflict, "war zone" partnerships the interviewer includes extra-marital affairs in this group of marriages that are not going to make it. His list of high-conflict marriages is not the complete story, and in some cases I find that high-conflict marriages can be saved even after an affair. I offer 2 free e-courses: How To Survive An Affair and Saving Your Marriage
I wish you all success in improving your marriage by improving yourself and helping your children to learn by example how to create and maintain a loving relationship.
If you cannot do this on your own, I urge you to use a marriage-friendly consultant. If you want to work with me, I charge $260 per hour by telephone or in person. Just give me a call to set up an appointment.
Wishing you a wonderful marriage,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
www.marriage-counselor-doctor.com
Voice: 410.654.1300 Toll-free: 1.866.654.1300
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