What is Your Spouse Worth?

What is your spouse worth?

What is your spouse worth? Which is more important, your spouse or the dust your spouse left on the floor? Your spouse or the forgotten quart of milk from the grocery-store trip? Your spouse or the tool that wasn't returned to your toolbox? You probably know plenty of other comparisons I could make: not opening the door for you, leaving the toilet seat up, or forgetting to cap the toothpaste. In too many couples, any of these relatively minor issues provides an opportunity for an angry trashing of the misbehaving spouse.

You most probably began your marriage with the idea and feelings that your spouse is the most valuable person in your world. What happened to get you to the point where dirty clothes on the floor became more important than your spouse?

I know the transformation didn't happen overnight, and without a detailed analysis, it is almost impossible to determine when and who actually began the process. This awful state of affairs often begins when one person feels slighted, taken for granted, undervalued, or insulted by the other. Thus begins the victim mentality. Once you feel like a victim, you can justify almost any mistreatment of your spouse.

Typically, if I ask the spouses why they are doing this obviously destructive behavior, each will point to the other's involvement and say, "Get him (or her) to stop ____ (fill in the blank with any problem behavior), and I will stop what I am doing." After having heard numerous versions of this statement from thousands of couples, I can tell you this approach does not work.

When you are involved in these recurrent battles of annoying behaviors or missing affections met with nagging reminders and criticism, you are likely to feel hopeless, and it doesn't matter which side you are on. It will seem to you that you have tried "everything" and yet you are still not making a productive difference in your relationship.

I know that's how you feel, but I know you haven't tried everything. The approach that almost everyone ignores is the most obvious and logical-but you have to get over some of your vengeful feelings, first.

What is my secret? You have to be a friend, not an enemy. Are you scratching your head right now trying to figure out what this means in practice? I'll explain.

I'm sure you know the adage, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Well, there is truth in that saying. What has happened is that you have gotten yourself into a pit of despair where you think your spouse doesn't deserve to be treated well.

You're probably thinking something like, "He's going to disrespect me and leave his dirty clothes on the floor anyway, so why should I be respectful to him?" or, "She's been putting me down by ignoring my request to vacuum the dust so why do I have to treat her with respect?"

This kind of thinking is vicious and can only escalate whatever bad feelings are already there. The best way to turn this around is to begin acting like your spouse's best friend, even when you think you are not being treated as a friend. I don't mean you would put up with abuse, and I don't mean that you would do everything, or concede to all your partner's wants. You still have to stand up for what you think is right, but you also listen attentively to the reasonable parts of your spouse's objections. You should ask for something from your spouse the same way and in the same friendly voice and with the same reasonableness you would ask a best friend.

Some of you will be able to put this into practice just by having it brought to your attention. Others of you might need help or even techniques to help you manage being your spouse's best friend when so many bad feelings have accumulated between you. If you need the additional help, you can find that in my larger programs Saving Your Marriage and Prevent Divorce.

Just start nurturing your spouse and being a best friend. One of you has to start this process independently if you are going to turn your marriage back into something wonderful. You cannot count on your spouse doing this, too-not at first, anyway. If you are really wonderful and treat your spouse in the same thoughtful, caring way you did when you first got together, you can single-handedly make a difference in your relationship.

As always I wish you all the best on your road to a wonderful marriage.

Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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