How To Deal With A Jealous Spouse
Are you dealing with a jealous spouse? I'm referring to a situation where your spouse is jealous even though you have not given any cause for the jealousy. If so, you are in a difficult position. Jealousy could even be dominating your relationship and causing you a great deal of emotional despair. You're probably both suffering.
With a jealous partner there will be feelings of frustration, worry, and often terror. Your marriage is bound to be in trouble.
Jealousy shows up in many forms. If you are at the receiving end of jealous fits of rage, you probably feel afraid, disrespected, and like you have to walk on eggshells around your spouse. You are one half of a marriage and both halves have to be functioning with compassion, love, and respect in order to ensure success, but someone has to begin the process. If you think your jealous spouse is being "unreasonable," perhaps you need to be the one to begin the compassion, love, and respect by making certain you treat your partner as your best friend, including loving reassurances, regardless how you are being treated.
It is important to feel secure within the boundaries of your marriage. And, it is important for your spouse to feel secure within the boundaries of your marriage.
In order to respond to jealousy and get your marriage on track I suggest you first observe your own actions. Are you doing anything to provoke this jealousy by acting flirtatious, dressing seductively, or being coy or evasive in answering questions? Or perhaps you are using improper body language when you are around the opposite sex, coming home late without calling, or regularly mingling with members of the opposite sex without your spouse present?
Are you hiding your cell phone, being private about your phone calls, or being more attentive to others above how attentive you are to your spouse? You might try to justify any of these behaviors with comments like, "It was just a friend hug, not a sexual hug." or, "You knew I was going to continue meeting with my ex-girlfriends-we talked about it before we got married. After all, they're just friends now." However, if you are indulging in any behaviors like these, and it is a problem for your spouse, and yet you still maintain the problem behavior, then you are contributing to the jealousy problem in your marriage.
Protect your marriage first. I do not mean that you will appear to change, but continue your problem behavior in secret. No, in protecting your marriage you have to work on yourself until you authentically understand why you need to change and be a best friend to your spouse. You are married now and it is immature of you if you think you can continue to act as if you were single. You are not single anymore.
And, what if you are not doing anything provocative and your spouse is still very jealous? I recommend you be romantic and reassuring, particularly at times when your spouse is not expecting it. And when you are attacked, stay in best-friend mode: listening without judgment and understanding your spouse's concerns.
Most jealous people are in emotional pain. It is pain they don't want and often they recognize its expression as destructive. If you can understand your spouse's pain, and express that understanding, you have gone a long way toward healing his or her jealousy. Help each other to open up the lines of communication and openly share your feelings with each other.
This may not be easy. And in some cases, it may not even be possible. If you have difficulty putting my advice into action, you will find in both Saving Your Marriage and in Survive An Affair step-by-step instructions to understanding your spouse's pain and for opening up your communication and what to do next. 
I wish you all success in creating a wonderful marriage together,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
1-866-654-1300
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