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Infidelity Doesn't Have to Mean That Your Marriage is Over
Once infidelity is revealed in your marriage have no doubt that your spouse is nothing short of devastated. While it used to be that when the word "infidelity" was heard it was automatically linked to the male,that is no longer the case. Both men and women are sharing an almost equal role in committing adultery.
Regardless of how one partner found out about the breach of trust within the marriage doesn't really matter. What matters is giving a fair shot to at least attempting to put the pieces back together again if both are willing.
If you are in this situation, either as the cheater or the betrayed, you probably already know that you are in a situation similar to someone in the grieving process after the death of someone close. In this case the trust in your relationship was breached and in a sense something very valuable did die.
Consider the following scenario:
Kathy found out that Jeff was cheating on her when she came home from work one night. Some neighbors were gathered outside; it was a beautiful summer night. They had all been drinking and a couple of the ladies had found out about Jeff's infidelities and decided with a little liquid courage that this was the time that Kathy should find out. Kathy was devastated and her initial reaction was shock. Jeff still didn't know that Kathy had found out. Kathy did not confront Jeff until the next morning when they were alone. What made it worse was that the girl that Jeff cheated with was a friend of Kathy's and it happened more than once according to her neighbors.
When Kathy confronted Jeff he lied. He continued to lie during several weeks of an unremitting barrage of questions and accusations-first admitting to secretly talking with her, then to some "friendship" hugs, and then to kissing. Finally, he admitted that they had a sexual encounter together. The way Kathy had to painfully draw every new revelation made her question everything Jeff said. But now Kathy wanted to confront her "so called" friend, too. After all, this was a double betrayal.
Kathy felt shocked at first, then broken hearted, then angry and confused. She began to deny aspects of what she found out as if they hadn't happened. At some point, she even wanted to justify the situation, taking blame that was thrust at her. The barrages of feelings that come unbidden have to be dealt with before anything else can happen.
If you are in a situation like this, you probably know that one of the worst parts of your experience is dealing with the past. With the confusion you feel and the mistrust you experience, these become like a weight of bricks on your heart when you start to question if your spouse loved you, and you start to re-color all of your past together. How can you ever trust your spouse again?
There are many styles of affair. Some last for years; others are one-night stands. Some involve sex; others are relationship only-in some cases the two have never even met (think of internet dating). Some are deep love affairs, others relationships of convenience. Some are the first and only experience; others might be one in a string of affairs. Each kind of affair involves a different kind of person and different relationships. One commonality is that the cheating spouse has the affair for selfish reasons.
Will you save your marriage? That depends on many factors including your motivation and your spouse's. It also depends on how well the cheating partner works to earn back your trust. This is going to take time but it can happen. I know because I help couples put their marriages back together after infidelity.
If you are the cheating spouse and your situation is like most couples, you have built up resentments and bitterness over years and this made you vulnerable to having an affair. There will be time later to work through your anger and resentment, but for now, you have to earn back your position. You do that by being trustworthy and accountable for your actions-being trustworthy and acting trustworthy-you need both. Don't make your spouse follow you around to make sure that you aren't cheating, prove yourself. Do what you have to do. When you are out somewhere call from a landline phone rather than your cell phone to record your location, bring receipts, leave your cell phone out in the open while at home. Just like you covered your tracks when you were cheating, uncover them now.
When your spouse wants to talk about what you did, keep your mouth closed and take the tongue lashing, you are the one that caused this mess. If you are both committed to saving the marriage then it will take time but it can work.
When thinking about the future, instead of thinking about putting your marriage back together like it was when it was broken, you have to think about putting your marriage together so it will be better than ever.
If you want a plan to follow, you can start with my Free Email Course,
or purchase the Full Program right now: Survive An Affair. 
I wish you my best warm wishes for creating your own happy marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
1-866-654-1300
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