Couples Arguing Ask: Talk or Don't Talk After the Blow-Up?
Couples arguing . . .a common occurence. . .you've just had a huge blow-up between you and now the situation is relatively calm. You went to your activities and your spouse went somewhere else in the house. As time moves on do you bring the issue up again and risk another blow-up, or let it go and hope that the issue will resolve itself?
Or, you recently found out your spouse was having an affair. You've yelled and screamed about it, cried and sobbed about it, and now there is a lull in the hostilities. However, you still have questions about the affair and your spouse's activities, motivations, feelings, and thoughts. Do you enjoy the peace and hope this is over, or do you voice your concerns and risk more rage from either one of you?
Although not always true, women usually want to talk things out, while men want to "fix" the situation or "drop it" and move on. When the wife continues to bring up the painful issue, the husband feels attacked and responds accordingly. The wife feels misunderstood and isolated: he doesn't care enough to work this out.
If you don't actively stop this process, your relationship will deteriorate over the years until you wonder what you ever saw in each other to get together in the first place.
How do you get out of this vicious cycle? First, remember that you are friends, not enemies. Your "job" as a friend is to consider what you say and how you say it. Friends don't run away from or ignore issues, either.
For the person who wants to talk, being a friend means being sensitive to how the discussion is begun and, if at all possible, avoiding attacks. It also means being sensitive to when is a good time to begin, and when the other person might need a break; of course, when you take a break you should also set a time to revisit the issue.
For the person who wants to avoid talking, being a friend means bringing up the issue even though you know it's not going to be comfortable or pleasant. Even if you don't know what to say, you can describe how you've been thinking about it, and don't know how to proceed. A friend wants to go back over the issue because he values the relationship too much to chance losing his partner, letting her think that her concerns are being ignored.
You probably haven't acted in this way of being a friend since you first started dating. You're both out of practice and it will be very uncomfortable at first. You might even feel it is risky because you are openly showing your care and concern for your partner even if you might think he or she doesn't deserve it right now. Love is about making yourself vulnerable.
With consistent practice, you will get better, and you have to continue trying to talk like a friend even when you think your spouse doesn't deserve it.
I wish you all the best in your efforts to improve your marriage. Work to make your marriage better than it's ever been. A great marriage doesn't just happen, you have to create it through your consistent efforts.
If you want more ideas on how to improve your marriage, you can sign up for my free e-course.
Warm regards and my best wishes for a wonderful marriage--
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
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