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A Simple Way to Connect With Your Spouse on a Deeper Level
Most people believe that talking and listening are skills learned when we are quite young. While that is true, it is not the whole story. When couples communicate with each other, they use
- how they talk
- tone of voice
- what is said
- how the other person listens
- what response is given back
- where each person's eyes are looking
- if there is any touch or caress involved
- what immediately preceded the message
- expectations of immediate or of long-term response
and many other factors in the process of connecting with each other.
Typically, we learn about communication between spouses by watching and listening to our parents-if we have that opportunity-not everyone is so fortunate. We might also observe communication of our friends' parents and couples we see in movies or read about in books.
Mostly, though, when you have trouble in your relationship, you probably scratch your head in wonder, thinking, "How could my spouse be so dumb about understanding me?" You might wonder, too, how communication in a marriage is so different when you are one of the spouses rather than an observer.
You might have even experienced having lofty spousal aspirations before marriage. Currently, though, it seems that some alien has taken over your mind or your partner's mind and communication between the two of you is as if you were living in different worlds-you can't even agree on what just happened between you.
You recognize the problem. Now you want to know what to do about it. There are many exercises I use with couples to teach intimate and accurate communication. Let me share one with you that you might try on your own, if your spouse is willing.
Each of you might want to have note paper and pen or pencil handy. This is not necessary, but when you are dealing with emotionally charged material your attention and memory are likely to be impaired. Read through these instructions before you attempt to do it yourself.
This exercise is to learn how to talk to each other intimately while actively listening. Start by sharing just one meaningful thought with your partner. That thought does not have to be about anything specific as long as it pertains to your relationship. Make sure that the thought is meaningful and important to you and one that you genuinely care about. This will be the beginning of an opportunity to create an intimate moment for you as a couple.
The goal of this exercise is to develop a new and improved understanding about each other. You begin with your intention to deepen your emotional connection. Sharing meaningful information with your partner offers the opportunity for a much deeper understanding of you. When you share these types of moments you will find that you are creating intimate opportunities and closeness. Verbal intimacy brings you closer together and helps you keep freshness in your relationship. This is part of how you can keep that "in love" feeling all of the time.
While you are speaking, help your partner to understand what it is that you are trying to share. You do this with patience and love. Allow your partner time to absorb the message that you are trying to convey. Share one thing at a time rather than a series of thoughts and feelings. If you want, you may build more of a structure of thoughts over time.
For the spouse doing the listening, try to understand where your partner is coming from and relate to his or her perspective. Each of you sees and experiences the world through your own video camera. As the listener, your job is to understand what it would be like to experience the world through your partner's video camera.
Don't try to change his or her experience to your experience or understanding. Don't jump to the defense or turn the conversation into one about yourself, your experience, or your understandings. Rather, listen actively to what your partner is saying and try to figure out the meaning. Imagine being your spouse for just a moment. This is likely not what you are used to but it is a way to gain a deeper understanding of your partner.
It is important to remember that the person who will know if your understanding is correct or not will be your partner and only your partner. Allow your spouse to change his or her mind while talking. Allow your spouse to develop what he or she started telling you. Go back and forth in your conversation, and encourage your partner to correct your understanding and to correct his or her own understanding in the process.
The point of this exercise is to deepen your own intimate knowledge of your spouse by actively listening to what is being said and trying to experience the world through your partner's experience. Only then can you understand your partner on a deeper level.
This exercise is covered in more detail in each of my larger programs, Survive An Affair and in Saving Your Marriage, along with other exercises to enhance intimate and accurate communication.
Wishing you all the best in your marriage,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
www.marriage-counselor-doctor.com
Telephone: Local 410.654.1300 Toll-free 866.654.1300
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