Anger in Marriage: Good or Bad?

Choosing a marriage counselor or self-help program?
Is it good or bad to express anger?

I read in a marriage book recently that wives should be contemptuous and husbands should be contentious in order to clean out their marriages from disagreements or arguing. I thought to myself that this idea could be very damaging to a couple's relationship and it concerned me for the people who might follow this advice.

In my opinion, this example demonstrates how careful you have to be in finding a marriage counselor or a self-help program for marriage problems. People tell me their experiences with other marriage counselors and sometimes I am appalled at the advice they've been given, particularly when the marriage counselor encourages "getting out their anger."

My wife has a sign over her sink that says, "practice makes perfect so be careful what you practice." If you are practicing anger, and particularly if it includes contempt, you better be careful because you might get really good at it.

Historically, if we are looking back at people in the caveman era, anger was a tool to deal with enemies; I should hope that your spouse is your friend, not your enemy.

If you're in marriage counseling or a self-help program and you're encouraged to express contempt or strong anger to your spouse, it is my opinion that this path will lead you to be stronger enemies and not stronger friends in the long run.

Some of you reading this might incorrectly think I mean that you have to stuff your feelings. I do not mean that.

If you and your spouse are best friends, you'll tell each other your feelings, including the bad feelings. Sometimes, you might even raise your voice. When you communicate your negative thoughts, concerns and complaints, you will do so in a respectful way without name-calling or other put downs and certainly without contempt.

Some people grow up naturally learning how to communicate as best friends. Most people who have to learn this as adults take lessons, usually from a trained therapist. Unfortunately, too many people never learn. Rarely does a day go by when I am not teaching at least one couple the skill of arguing without anger.

If you want more ideas on how to improve your marriage, you can sign up for my free e-course.

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