Love at the Office & the Work Spouse

Love at the Office and the Work Spouse

Stay away from love at the office or setting up a work spouse.

If your spouse is a work spouse to someone at work, and is spending time and attention toward that person, then you might suspect love at the office. Wikipedia defines this situation as: "A work spouse is a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness." Wikipedia Link

The concept of the work wife and work husband is not new, of course.

There was a 1930's novel and movie, The Office Wife, in which "The personal secretary/stenographer spends more time with the busy executive and makes more decisions than his wife ever will. This creates a bond between the secretary and boss that the wife can not (sic) hope to equal." Reference for quote

Can a work spouse be platonic?

A work spouse could be platonic, I suppose, but the situation courts danger. One of the common scenarios I hear is where the relationship can be platonic, even for years, and then some event will take one or both people over the line and their affection spins rapidly out of control.

Another common scenario is when the relationship is reportedly platonic. However, it really bothers the regular spouse, who in this scenario is the wife, because so much time and attention is given to the work wife, and the office wife is so important in the husband's world. At the very least, the situation demonstrates to the regular wife the potential for how attentive and communicative the husband could be.

It is a work relationship, not personal, so why should it matter?

What risk levels are you willing to take in your life? If your marriage is important enough, I would think you would want to protect it, even against what might seem to you now as a low-probability occurrence.

Do you smoke? Some smokers live to a ripe old age. Smoking, however, has a negative health impact on almost every system in the body and increases the person's chances of developing cancer or breathing disorders multiple times. For a beginning smoker, he never knows which cigarette might be the one to push him over the edge into addiction. For the experienced smoker, he never knows which cigarette might be the one to begin the cellular changes leading to permanent cellular damage. By the time the smoker knows he has a problem, it is often too late to save him.

The situation of the office spouse is similar in that when the person knows he has a problem, he has already crossed several boundary lines and it may be too late to save the marriage.

Is office love, or having an office spouse, being unfaithful?

Your analysis of your work relationship depends on your definitions of infidelity and how much risk you are willing to expose your marriage to. If you would ask me about a work spouse and being unfaithful, my answer is based on my decades of experience hearing numerous heartbreaking stories. My answer has several considerations.

First, consider your marriage promise. In my opinion, the marriage vow you both made was an intellectual agreement at the highest level of trust to protect your love. Even when your relationship is bad or even awful, you committed to cherish each other and to protect and be faithful to the marriage bond you made with each other.

Second, your marriage commitment includes making each other the primary person in your life. In most situations, this means considering your spouse's feelings and your spouse's sensitivities above all others.

My answer, not surprisingly, is yes, I believe that having an office spouse at least pushes the boundaries toward being unfaithful.

My spouse has an office spouse; what can I do?

You can begin with talking it out. If you only end in arguments, you might try a self-help program, which will give you some ways to structure to your discussions. I address this in my program on infidelity which you can purchase here: Survive An Affair.

Some of you will need more than structure to get through the discussions without arguments. Sometimes a clergyman or a mental health professional can be helpful. If you want personal help and you want to work with me, you can contact me at (410) 654-1300. My fees are based on $260 per hour (full 60 minutes), and I am intentionally out-of-network for all insurance plans.

Here is more you can read about protecting marriage boundaries. Check out my pages on Building Relationship Boundaries and Protecting My Marriage. My suggestions in that article might help you think this out further.

I wish you courage, strength and success in rescuing your marriage,

Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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