You’ve Been Betrayed By Your Spouse Having An Affair
Infidelity creates a serious trust deficit
in your marriage. But infidelity can be
the turning point to a more rewarding marriage
than you ever imagined.
In a previous article on Infidelity
So You Had An Affair And You Want to Repair Your Marriage
, I discussed ways to save your marriage
if you cheated on your spouse.
In this article on Infidelity, you will
learn how to recover from the affair if
your spouse cheated on you:
How to Survive Infidelity if Your
Spouse Cheated on You.
1. Remember that you can’t
undo the cheating, but you can create an infidelity-free
future.
If you’ve been betrayed by infidelity,
your hurt is real and can’t be dismissed.
A simple “forgive and forget”
attitude is not the answer to surviving
infidelity.
You can never erase your spouse’s
affair and will struggle with diluting
the pain it caused, but you can change the
conditions that led to infidelity.
In the early aftermath of infidelity, this
can be difficult to hear. But agreeing to
change DOES NOT mean you are to blame for
your spouse’s infidelity.
But if you find out what needs your spouse
was getting met by the other person, you
can figure out how to meet those needs yourself.
Was the other person “a great listener”
or a “fun companion”? If so,
you can learn to be a better listener and
think of ways you could be more fun to be
with. Be the person your spouse wants to
spend time with.
Don’t say, “Well, I’m
a good listener, you’ve always told
me that”
Think Instead, “What can I do to be
a better listener.”
You may not feel like satisfying ANY of
your partner’s emotional needs when
you discover an infidelity. It’s normal
to believe “he owes me!” (and
he does) or “she can’t expect
me to be Mr. Wonderful after what she did”
(she can’t).
But if your goal is to save your marriage
and prevent future infidelity, you need
to participate in the solution. And the
solution lay in fixing the present, thus
changing the course of the future.
2. Learn to let go of the resentment
created by Infidelity.
Resentment about your spouse’s infidelity
is normal. If you are working to heal yourself
and your marriage, your resentment about
the infidelity will fade.
But if you find value in holding onto resentment
– if you use the history of infidelity
to punish your spouse – then resentment
will reign.
When you are hurting from your partner’s
infidelity, ask yourself: Am I trying to
recover, even though it’s hard and
painful, or am I clinging to the past because
I enjoy the power it gives me over my spouse?
3. Recover from infidelity by meeting
the emotional needs of your spouse
When each of you is getting what you want
from the marriage – when you both
feel emotionally fulfilled – neither
of you will look to anyone but each other.
How do you meet your spouse’s emotional
needs and restore the love in your marriage?
For ways to better understand these needs
and how to restore the love, please see
the articles
Lost
That Loving Feeling?,
Honesty,
Apologize
Did you miss
Infidelity Destroys Trust
?
