Questions and Answers on Marriage Problems
Dear Dr. G,
I have been married for three years to a now veteran. Our marriage struggled severely because of hubby's constant affairs with girls and deployment to Afg. Now that he is back, we are working on our marriage. He just took off one day, by choice, to eventually go for Iraq for one yr deployment because of his parents pressure for money (the money situation is not tight..We are doing okay based on economy and I make decent money also) I begged him and in the end told him that I will divorce him if he goes to Iraq since I don't trust him yet and our marriage is still shaky for him to just leave his wife out of the blue.
Thank God, yesterday he changed his mind and went to his parents for one week in NM than coming back home to Nevada. And also acting that he is mad at me to force him to not go to Iraq and blames me for ruining his chance for making great money and saying that now he wants to live by his parents or have them move in with us..which I can't do (lot of bad history there too). I keep telling him that we don't need all that money and I want to work on us and be together...but his decision of not going to Iraq because of me is now being used against me since he thinks that I should do whatever his parents and he wants because I didn't let him make big bucks in Iraq.
What do I do to tell him how it was important for him to work on marriage instead? How do I handle this situation? I told him today that I will make sure his parents get 1 grand every month so they will keep happy. (parents are not poor just open hands in spending money it is never enough for them ever since I can remember) I am relieved that he is not going and staying in Nevada for now and wish I didn't have to force him to come home..somehow I am even more stressed now since he is making me feel guilty when ever I am talking with him on phone.
Veteran's Wife
Nevada
Dear VeteransWife,
"Constant affairs" means he has established himself as dishonest with repeatedly cheating and lying. If you are ever going to have a really good marriage, he has to repair his character for the long run.
This repair has to be because HE wants to be a better man, not because he wants to please you. Changing character is difficult work because there are so many temptations and other reasons.
You say you are working on your marriage. I hope that means you are attending marriage counseling with a marriage-friendly therapist who is ALSO skilled at character repair.
My best wishes to you during this painful time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
www.marriage-counselor-doctor.com
Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
We have been together off/on for 16yrs. Married 2 1/2yrs ago(second marriages).He was forced to retired 2yrs ago. Claims to do nothing all day. When I come home from work he's always tired. I go to bed he's awake on the computer or phone. Has no known medical problems. What do you think's going on?
K
Minnesota
Dear Second Marriage,
Pardon me for being blunt, but the problem seems to me that you are putting up with his outrageous behavior. He's a grown man acting like a teenager, and you're the mom.
I wish you all the best in resolving your dilemma,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Marriage-Counselor-Doctor,
We were married in 1997 we just got divorced in Jan 2010 We have a 9 year old daughter. We're Indians & we have had a love marriage. My ex-husband says that he has given it everything & cant see anything good in me. He hides things & barely shares any information but talks for hours with his mother & sister in India. It's over & he asks me to move on. I know that we have already had a divorce but I think there still is hope. Can you advice how we can move forward in a healthy way?
N
New York
Dear Divorced,
You are already divorced. The first step in trying to put your marriage together is to start a dialogue. Call him up once or twice a week and chat with him. Will he converse with you? If that goes well for a month or so, then try getting together like a date, just don't call it that. Invite him for a cup of coffee or dessert or a meal. It's almost like you have to start your relationship over again.
If you know an elder or religious leader he respects, you might ask for a consultation with that person.
My best wishes to you during this difficult time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
How are you doing today, i am a 24 year old husband serving in the military with two kids and a beautiful wife. my question is how am I suppose to please a person or make them happy if they aren't happy with themself. I tried numerous ways, couples vacations and other things. She insist on having a male friend like it would kill her if she didnt. Personally i don't trust it at all and tired of feeling this way. She doesnt help out around the house or with the kids as if she really doesnt wanna be here, but always says she does. I REALLY NEED HELP BECAUSE I WANT THIS TO WORK.... She has this male friend that she met in a club like a month ago and now all of a sudden they are best friends i dont know what to think she sits up all night talking and texting him but doesnt have anything to say to me when i am around i am to the point that i cant take it. She says that i am insecure and trying to control her life and she wants a life outside of our marriage please help me have an better understanding of this...
D
Delaware
Dear Frustrated,
You are right to be concerned. Part of developing a successful marriage is growing up and acting like you're married, which your wife is not willing to do.
I don't think you will be successful at getting her to a therapist for an evaluation, but I recommend you use whatever persuasive approach you have. I would guess your marriage is doomed unless and until she wakes up and joins you in counseling.
My best wishes to you in putting your marriage back together.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Marriage-Counselor-Doctor:
My husband and i have been together for 9 years.We have had a pretty happy marriage.The all of a sudden he says he doesn't want to be married anymore. He tells me he loves me and i am his best friend.He says he doesn't want to move out because he wants to stay and take care of me.I know there is no one else because he never goes anywhere.I would like to know what is going on because if he doesn't want me anymore why is he staying.
S.
North Carolina
Dear S.
I don't know what your husband's intentions or motivation are.
While you are trying to figure out the situation, you should know that just because he is home "all the time," doesn't mean he isn't having an affair at the office or online or by phone. It doesn't even have to be physical. It could be that he just thinks about the other person in a way that he wants to give her his heart, his body, or both.
Whether or not anyone else is involved, my suggestion to you is the same. Encourage him to talk about his dissatisfactions and frustrations. What is difficult in his life? What would he hope for his future? What does he want that he hasn't been getting? Does he have some physical or sexual problem he hasn't previously discussed with you?
Listen with an open mind. Don't correct him if he shares his feelings. They are his feelings, not yours. Don't correct his view of your marital history, just try to understand that he is telling you something about his own experience.
Be the best spouse you can be.
My best wishes to you as you try to reconnect with your husband and create a wonderful marriage together.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Gunzburg:
My husband and I were married on 5/8/10, we fight all the time. I try to talk to him about it and how I am feeling or how something he has done has made me feel and he just shuts down. We were both married before and we may both have trust issues, but he doesnt tell me anything and hides things from me. How do I get him to open up to me and stop shutting down when I try to talk to him?
L.
Ohio
Dear L,
A situation with hidden feelings and avoiding issues is a recipe for marital disaster, and it is a sad situation that this has happened so soon after your marriage.
There are any number of approaches to try to change this situation. The success of changing a situation like this is going to depend on how obstinate and distant your husband is and how much time you and your husband are willing to sit with each other to provide time to communicate.
Spending time together without TV and without getting high or drunk and without distractions from children or friends or phone calls is important to enhancing communication. You could have a cup of tea or coffee, and you can even play some table games that don't take too much concentration. Allow the conversation to develop. Since he is the reluctant one, learn to get comfortable with silences and find out if he will fill the silence.
You have to be ready for the idea that it may be impossible to get him to be open with you. Sometimes a therapist can help change this situation where your own efforts have not worked.
My best wishes go out to you in your struggle to save your marriage,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Marriage Doc,
When my wife and I first started seeing each other she still had a lot of interaction with her ex-boyfriend. Her ex had access to a lot of really nice things that he could offer her. At first I told her that it was okay with me because at the time I didn't know where we were going or if serious or not. Unfortunately her ex was a complete jerk and also very manipulating and controlling.
This in turn caused me to have to tippy toe our relationship around him; I had to hide our relationship from him. This even included going so far as to have to leave before he showed up. I originally thought over time she would exclude him from our lives.
As our relationship developed I grew more and more concern when she didn't end their friendship. I expressed to her my discontent, but she said that she was keeping contact with him for his access to things she wanted that I could not provided. Eventually he found out and everything but he still texts her almost every day and they still see each other.
Recently we got married and again I thought this would be the end of their friendship. The other day she spent the entire day at his house and when she came home I was irate because I had told her previously that was unacceptable to me. Her relationship with him is a constant source of contention and conflict and I couldn't continue having him be a part of our lives. I told her she had to sever all contact, communication etc. with him or I was leaving.
She thinks that this is a sign of controlling and that I am just overly jealous. Although she hasn't initiated contact with him, he still texts her. She continues to fight with me about keeping contact with him which I told her really hurts me because it make me feel like her friendship with him is more important to her than our marriage. Am I controlling, overly jealous or justified?
G
Hawaii
Dear G,
Based on the information you provided, you are justified in your request to have your wife stop communicating with her ex-boyfriend.
This is why the wedding vow states, ". . .and forsaking all others. . ." It is risky to your marital health for her to send or receive communications of any kind from her ex.
I recommend she change her cell phone number or block his number from her account. Even if she is not doing anything with him, she is sending the unspoken message to both of you that he is still important to her. The message for herself is that she is maintaining a Plan B, which means she cannot be 100%, fully invested in her relationship with you.
If the material things he can provide are more important to her than you, then I would guess that her emotional intimacy and maturity are stunted. Please remember that I never met or interviewed her, and that the information you provided is only the tip of the iceberg.
I wish you all the best in managing this very tough situation.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Doctor,
How do I get my wife to fall back in love with me? My wife left 3 years ago, we started talking and she said she was going to come back but still never did because she says what if my love does not come back and she can't seem to forgive me for past things that happened, we have been together for 15 years and have 4 kids together, she seems to lie about things. please help us,
Thank you
J
Canada
Dear J,
First, you have to accept that she may not come back to you. One or both of you may not be willing to do the repair work to heal your relationship. Second, you have established for yourself that she lies. So you have to take whatever she says with a grain of salt. You said her actions do not fit what she says about returning to you.
When your spouse leaves because she is not "in love" with you anymore, it is often because there is built-up resentment, which she told you openly in your case. If you're going to work out your relationship, you have to process her anger. You have to hear and accept what you did (or continue to do) that made her angry. You have to authentically accept ownership of your bad behavior (if it is true) and fully understand how it hurt her and without defending yourself.
Some couples can do this on their own, just knowing the path to take. Others can do it with more detailed self-help guidance, such as in my paid programs. Still others need individualized treatment. If you are in the group needing individualized work, you will need to work with a psychologist or other mental-health professional who works with marriages. If you want to work directly with me, please call for an appointment. I charge $260 per hour.
My best wishes to you during this difficult time,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
I came back early from Iraq to save my marriage. My husband
refuses to see me, he says he fell out of love, he is not cheating, and he
just thinks he can love someone more than he loves me. He is cold and
distant and won't talk about the hurt he feels from my deployment how do I
get him to talk about his feelings and emotions instead of walking away from
our marriage?
R
Illinois
Dear R,
You probably already know that you may not ever get him to talk about his
feelings and emotions--some people are like clams or become like clams after
a trauma or when their feelings become intense.
You don't mention if he is dating someone else or if he suspects that you
might have been while you were in Iraq. Either of these situations would
make a big impact on your relationship.
In my experience (which doesn't make the following a fact), someone acting
like your husband may be trying (through distorted thinking) to protect your
feelings by not leading you on. He may also be feeling so much emotional
pain and perhaps accumulated loneliness that he doesn't think he can trust
you with his hurt feelings.
Usually, this situation has been brewing for a long time by the time it
surfaces. One or both of you stopped treating the other as a really special
person in your life.
Perhaps you think that, during that period, you couldn't give the time and
consideration to your spouse due to life circumstances such as deployment,
children, work, travel, or family obligations. It's difficult to be logical
when you're hurting inside.
Be the best spouse you can be, and be gently persistent about your
commitment to him and to your marriage.
In my experience, the in-love feeling can come back if you both want it and
you are both willing to work for it. Once you are being good to each other,
it could take some time before the in-love feeling comes back.
Ask your husband to read some self-help materials. Or, if he is willing, you could
search out a marriage therapist. The base will have lists of local
therapists, but I recommend, if you can afford it, to check out the website for Marriage Friendly Therapists for a therapist who has passed
their standards to be registered. I am certified by the Marriage-Friendly Registry. It is very important to find a therapist who will protect your marriage instead of encouraging you to dissolve it. If you want to work with me, I charge
$260 per hour and I am intentionally
out-of-network for all insurance plans.
Wishing you all best wishes in working toward putting your marriage together
to be better than it ever was (this is possible if you know how to work on
it).
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Question: I have been reading your stuff on the web site. And I need your
advice. This is my story. I am 39 and I had the affair for 9 months (W/a old
boyfriend from my past). My husband found out and wanted to work it out. He
tried and tried and I saw the changes he even did the love dare but, stopped
and gave up because he saw that I didn't want to work it out. He told me he
would move on and find someone. That still did not change my mind. UNTIL
June 6,2010 We sat with our son and told him we were going seperate ways.
Thats when it hit me. I didnt want this like I thought I did. But, by that
time he did find someone.
It's been 2 1/2 months he has been seeing this other woman. He tells me he
still loves me but, he is closed off to me because I have hurt him for 22
years.
Our story goes way back from when I was 16. We dated in high school broke up
twice and in 94 we married. So I married my high school sweetheart. Anyways,
if this makes any sense, he has now had the affair. I found out he slept
with her. I confronted him and he said yes.
Now he says he wants to work it out and save our marriage. He said he has
cut ties with this other woman but, they work in the same building. I have
logged on to his phone plan and I see that there has been some text messages
and a phone call.
It's only been 2 days since he cut it off with her. But, his phone history
tells me different. He does not know I know his password to log on to the
web site of his phone.
I dont trust him. So I go snooping to get my information. He says he wants
to work it out and does not want to lose what we have and our family.
But, when I start to ask him questions about us and the other woman he gets
mad. I even told him he could reassure me when he is at work because like I
said they work in the same building and my mind starts to wander off. And
again he gets angry.
I ask him if he has really called it off with the other woman because if he
has not I tell him how can we work on us if she is still in the picture. I
called it off with the other man 3 months ago.
I really want to save our marrige and I want my husband to understand that
we can not work on us if this woman is still in the picture. I really wish I
could talk to you so you can have a better idea of our situation.
Since I learned about his affair I want to know details not the wrong
details just basic questions. He says he will not talk to me about that.
This has really taken a toll on me. I feel lost, I feel hurt, I feel dead
inside. Could we save our marrige? I want to and he knows I do. He says he
wants to. I just dont know if he really wants to because I don't see it. He
tells me it will take time. It takes baby steps. He says he has really
closed me off. He is afraid of me hurting him again.
I reassure him but, it does not work. I don't give up. I try to reassure him
all the time. I'm just afraid if I keep letting him in and doing my part I
will get hurt.
I honestly dont think he has called it off with her. He says yes. I just
don't believe that. I see his phone history without him knowing. So do I let
him do this because he stayed with me when I was doing this for 9 months. He
would try everything to bring me back to him until June he replaced me. So
do I let him do this?
Also when I found out about his affair I did tell him it was over that we
could not work it out. I told him he was going to be hard with what I did
now with what he did. It just could not work.
His replay was "o when u did it we could work it out but, when i did it its
over" he made me feel like I was selfish. Was I being selfish? I didnt mean
for it to come out like that.
I just did not think we could save our marriage now that we both had an
affair. Please Help us.we have been married 15 years but, been together 22
years. We dated in high school and married in 1994.
Heart Broken
C
Texas
Dear Heartbroken,
Can a marriage be repaired after each person has had an affair? Yes, it's
possible. Can the two of you accomplish this? I don't know.
First, any and all other lovers have to be left without hope of your ever
getting together again, even if you and your spouse don't work out.
Second, you both have to want to be with each other, and to work toward that
goal. A good marriage takes a lot of tolerance for not letting the little
irritations irritate you.
You have to give yourself a pep talk inside your head to build yourself up
when your spouse seems to be tearing you down.
When your spouse is doing something that irritates you, you have to practice
positive thinking about your spouse--to work out giving the benefit of the
doubt to his or her behavior. This might include telling yourself that your
spouse is having a bad day, or that your spouse is feeling ______ (fill in
the blank--some possible feelings to insert in the blank might be: tired,
afraid of losing his job, insulted by his brother, hurting from his
toothache, abandoned by his parents, etc.)
Another helpful practice is to think in your head thoughts of love toward
your spouse, even when your spouse is not present. You might say to
yourself, something like "I really love the way she smiled at me and laughed
at my joke before I left for work this morning." Or, "I love how he gives
me that extra squeeze when he hugs me."
Even when the day hasn't started well between you, I am suggesting that u
find the quickest way back to a loving attitude and loving behavior.
Feeling sorry for yourself and thinking bad thoughts about your spouse are
counterproductive to re-establishing a good relationship.
If you decide to try to make your relationship work, I wish you all success
in developing a wonderful marriage together.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Marriage Counselor Doctor,
I dont want to lose my husband!!
question: My husband seriously believes that I am out cheating on him while
he is OTR when he thinks I should be home. I cant talk to anyone or go
anywhere without him making something out of nothing! He has gotten so hard
to talk to and always yelling or putting me down,dumps me, or even just gets
up and walks out because he has had enough. He did just that and the lies
and accusations are crazy. I want my baby home! He is taking advice from
others to stay away> HELP
L
Minnesota
Dear Help,
First, you have to look at your own behavior. Are you doing anything
suspicious or are you being defensive about your whereabouts or activities,
or are you avoiding being reassuring? I have several pages on my website you might want to look at
Dealing With Jealousy.
If you are not doing any of the above, is he? Some people with his behavior
are covering their own misbehavior--you've heard that a strong offense is
the best defense.
Does he value you and the relationship you share? If so, maybe you would
want to both take lie-detector tests to prove your innocence--in Maryland, a
good lie-detector or polygraph test costs about $500 to $700.
If none of the above works for you, perhaps it's time for you to move on
rather than let yourself continue to be berated by someone who no longer
cares for you. Of course, there is information that neither of us can
address in a brief question and answer format.
My best wishes to you during this difficult time and in making your decision
what to do next,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
My wife cheated on me and my therapist told me to let it go and work on repairing the relationship. I want to repair the relationship, but I can't stand letting her get away with what she did. How do I let it go and move on in the relationship?
M
San Francisco, CA
Dear M,
If it were up to me, I would put warning signs over the doors of individual therapists: Caution, individual therapy may be hazardous to your marital health.
Your therapist's recommendation is not unusual, and sometimes it works to get a marriage going again. The problem I find with this advice is that it is not satisfying for the person in your position, and I would question if the cheater has sufficiently repaired her character to avoid temptation in the future. I find that the cheater's motivation during the early stages after being caught is very high, and she cannot imagine doing anything like this again. The emotional ache of focusing on the infidelity and hearing the injured person's emotional pain is highly motivating to the cheater to be willing to say and do almost anything that will move the process off of the infidelity and onto something else.
Bottom line: After trying different approaches over the years, I have found that avoiding emotional turmoil by not going over the affair leaves the marriage vulnerable. The cheater probably has not done her own character repair, and the injured person doesn't feel safe in the relationship. This comes out of my experience, and is not based on any experimental work. As a guide to counseling, it depends on many more details than we can work through in this question and answer format.
I wish you the strength you need to get through this difficult time and work toward a better marriage.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Disclaimer : answers below are based on my experiences in working with couples. The situations may or may not fit your circumstances. Reading these answers does not constitute a doctor-patient relationship, nor can it substitute for face-to-face work with a psychologist. This information is educational and not a substitute for therapy or counseling.
Even when it seems I am discussing your exact case, there may be differences or information that would be considered in a face-to-face therapy situation that cannot be covered in the context of answering a question. That distinction might make a major difference in the question, recommendations, and the outcome of the situation.
In the questions used on this website, I have changed the names, locations, and other identifying information to maintain the anonymity of those involved. If the situation had a unique quality, I changed it enough that even the people involved cannot identify themselves for certain.
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For older postings see links below:
What to Do If Your Husband Falls In Love at the Office
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