Free Marriage Advice From Dr. Gunzburg

I am starting a new Free Marriage Advice column. I will choose one relationship question to answer each week and post it here. There are many common marriage problems so check here often and you will find answers and marriage help for some of your own marriage problems.

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Questions and Answers on Marriage Problems

Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
I came back early from Iraq to save my marriage. My husband refuses to see me, he says he fell out of love, he is not cheating, and he just thinks he can love someone more than he loves me. He is cold and distant and won't talk about the hurt he feels from my deployment how do I get him to talk about his feelings and emotions instead of walking away from our marriage?
Rebecca
Illinois

Dear Rebecca,
You probably already know that you may not ever get him to talk about his feelings and emotions--some people are like clams or become like clams after a trauma or when their feelings become intense.

You don't mention if he is dating someone else or if he suspects that you might have been while you were in Iraq. Either of these situations would make a big impact on your relationship.

In my experience (which doesn't make the following a fact), someone acting like your husband may be trying (through distorted thinking) to protect your feelings by not leading you on. He may also be feeling so much emotional pain and perhaps accumulated loneliness that he doesn't think he can trust you with his hurt feelings.

Usually, this situation has been brewing for a long time by the time it surfaces. One or both of you stopped treating the other as a really special person in your life.

Perhaps you think that, during that period, you couldn't give the time and consideration to your spouse due to life circumstances such as deployment, children, work, travel, or family obligations. It's difficult to be logical when you're hurting inside.

Be the best spouse you can be, and be gently persistent about your commitment to him and to your marriage.

In my experience, the in-love feeling can come back if you both want it and you are both willing to work for it. Once you are being good to each other, it could take some time before the in-love feeling comes back.

Ask your husband to read some self-help materials, such as my free program Save my Marriage. Or, if he is willing, you could search out a marriage therapist. The base will have lists of local therapists, but I recommend, if you can afford it, to check out the website for Marriage Friendly Therapists for a therapist who has passed their standards to be registered. It is very important to find a therapist who will protect your marriage instead of encouraging you to dissolve it. If you want to work with me, I charge $260 per hour by telephone or in person, and I am intentionally out-of-network for all insurance plans.

Wishing you all best wishes in working toward putting your marriage together to be better than it ever was (this is possible if you know how to work on it).
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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Question: I have been reading your stuff on the web site. And I need your advice. This is my story. I am 39 and I had the affair for 9 months (W/a old boyfriend from my past). My husband found out and wanted to work it out. He tried and tried and I saw the changes he even did the love dare but, stopped and gave up because he saw that I didn't want to work it out. He told me he would move on and find someone. That still did not change my mind. UNTIL June 6,2010 We sat with our son and told him we were going seperate ways. Thats when it hit me. I didnt want this like I thought I did. But, by that time he did find someone.

It's been 2 1/2 months he has been seeing this other woman. He tells me he still loves me but, he is closed off to me because I have hurt him for 22 years.

Our story goes way back from when I was 16. We dated in high school broke up twice and in 94 we married. So I married my high school sweetheart. Anyways, if this makes any sense, he has now had the affair. I found out he slept with her. I confronted him and he said yes.

Now he says he wants to work it out and save our marriage. He said he has cut ties with this other woman but, they work in the same building. I have logged on to his phone plan and I see that there has been some text messages and a phone call.

It's only been 2 days since he cut it off with her. But, his phone history tells me different. He does not know I know his password to log on to the web site of his phone.

I dont trust him. So I go snooping to get my information. He says he wants to work it out and does not want to lose what we have and our family.

But, when I start to ask him questions about us and the other woman he gets mad. I even told him he could reassure me when he is at work because like I said they work in the same building and my mind starts to wander off. And again he gets angry.

I ask him if he has really called it off with the other woman because if he has not I tell him how can we work on us if she is still in the picture. I called it off with the other man 3 months ago.

I really want to save our marrige and I want my husband to understand that we can not work on us if this woman is still in the picture. I really wish I could talk to you so you can have a better idea of our situation.

Since I learned about his affair I want to know details not the wrong details just basic questions. He says he will not talk to me about that.

This has really taken a toll on me. I feel lost, I feel hurt, I feel dead inside. Could we save our marrige? I want to and he knows I do. He says he wants to. I just dont know if he really wants to because I don't see it. He tells me it will take time. It takes baby steps. He says he has really closed me off. He is afraid of me hurting him again.

I reassure him but, it does not work. I don't give up. I try to reassure him all the time. I'm just afraid if I keep letting him in and doing my part I will get hurt.

I honestly dont think he has called it off with her. He says yes. I just don't believe that. I see his phone history without him knowing. So do I let him do this because he stayed with me when I was doing this for 9 months. He would try everything to bring me back to him until June he replaced me. So do I let him do this?

Also when I found out about his affair I did tell him it was over that we could not work it out. I told him he was going to be hard with what I did now with what he did. It just could not work.

His replay was "o when u did it we could work it out but, when i did it its over" he made me feel like I was selfish. Was I being selfish? I didnt mean for it to come out like that.

I just did not think we could save our marriage now that we both had an affair. Please Help us.we have been married 15 years but, been together 22 years. We dated in high school and married in 1994.
Heart Broken
Cindy
Texas

Dear Heartbroken,
Can a marriage be repaired after each person has had an affair? Yes, it's possible. Can the two of you accomplish this? I don't know.

First, any and all other lovers have to be left without hope of your ever getting together again, even if you and your spouse don't work out.

Second, you both have to want to be with each other, and to work toward that goal. A good marriage takes a lot of tolerance for not letting the little irritations irritate you.

You have to give yourself a pep talk inside your head to build yourself up when your spouse seems to be tearing you down.

When your spouse is doing something that irritates you, you have to practice positive thinking about your spouse--to work out giving the benefit of the doubt to his or her behavior. This might include telling yourself that your spouse is having a bad day, or that your spouse is feeling ______ (fill in the blank--some possible feelings to insert in the blank might be: tired, afraid of losing his job, insulted by his brother, hurting from his toothache, abandoned by his parents, etc.)

Another helpful practice is to think in your head thoughts of love toward your spouse, even when your spouse is not present. You might say to yourself, something like "I really love the way she smiled at me and laughed at my joke before I left for work this morning." Or, "I love how he gives me that extra squeeze when he hugs me."

Even when the day hasn't started well between you, I am suggesting that u find the quickest way back to a loving attitude and loving behavior. Feeling sorry for yourself and thinking bad thoughts about your spouse are counterproductive to re-establishing a good relationship.

If you decide to try to make your relationship work, I wish you all success in developing a wonderful marriage together. You might want to think about taking my free e-course on How To Survive An Affair.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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Dear Marriage Counselor Doctor,
I dont want to lose my husband!! question: My husband seriously believes that I am out cheating on him while he is OTR when he thinks I should be home. I cant talk to anyone or go anywhere without him making something out of nothing! He has gotten so hard to talk to and always yelling or putting me down,dumps me, or even just gets up and walks out because he has had enough. He did just that and the lies and accusations are crazy. I want my baby home! He is taking advice from others to stay away> HELP
Laurie
Minnesota

Dear Laurie,
First, you have to look at your own behavior. Are you doing anything suspicious or are you being defensive about your whereabouts or activities, or are you avoiding being reassuring? I have several pages on my website you might want to look at Dealing With Jealousy.

If you are not doing any of the above, is he? Some people with his behavior are covering their own misbehavior--you've heard that a strong offense is the best defense.

Does he value you and the relationship you share? If so, maybe you would want to both take lie-detector tests to prove your innocence--in Maryland, a good lie-detector or polygraph test costs about $500 to $700.

If none of the above works for you, perhaps it's time for you to move on rather than let yourself continue to be berated by someone who no longer cares for you. Of course, there is information that neither of us can address in a brief question and answer format.

My best wishes to you during this difficult time and in making your decision what to do next,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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Dear Dr. Gunzburg,
My wife cheated on me and my therapist told me to let it go and work on repairing the relationship. I want to repair the relationship, but I can't stand letting her get away with what she did. How do I let it go and move on in the relationship?
Mike
San Francisco, CA

Dear Mike,
Individual therapists do not necessarily know what is best for a marriage in trouble. If it were up to me, I would put warning signs over the door of individual therapists: Caution, individual therapy can be hazardous to your marital health.

Your therapist's recommendation is not unusual, and sometimes it works to get a marriage going again. The problem I find with this advice is that it is not satisfying for the person in your position, and I would question if the cheater has sufficiently repaired her character to avoid temptation in the future. I find that the cheater's motivation during the early stages after being caught is very high, and she cannot imagine doing anything like this again. The emotional ache of focusing on the infidelity and hearing the injured person's emotional pain is highly motivating to the cheater to be willing to say and do almost anything that will move the process off of the infidelity and onto something else.

Bottom line: After trying different approaches over the years, I have found that avoiding emotional turmoil by not going over the affair leaves the marriage vulnerable. The cheater probably has not done her own character repair, and the injured person doesn't feel safe in the relationship.

I wish you the strength you need to get through this difficult time and work toward a better marriage. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.

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Dear Dr. Frank,
I hope you can help me. I am crying my eyes out. We have been married for almost two years and have a wonderful one-year-old baby girl. You would think we would still be having our honeymoon, but my husband came home on Monday and said he was head-over-heels for one of the girls in the accounting department. He said that he's been thinking about her and realized he couldn't really be in love with me if he was having feelings for her. Help me, please. I love him so much and he is breaking my heart. He doesn't seem to care. It's like all of a sudden, I'm nobody in his life anymore. Is that true, that if he has feelings for her he doesn't love me? That all of a sudden he doesn't love me anymore?
Susan
Portland, OR

Dear Susan,
It is a sad situation anytime someone breaks his marriage vows. You didn't say he was having an affair, so you're probably wondering why I say he is breaking his vow. The way I understand the marriage vow is that you made an intellectual agreement at the highest level of trust to protect your love even when your relationship is awful. I'm not saying your relationship is awful from your point of view, but only to point out that even if your relationship is awful from his point of view, his vow was to work on your relationship to make it better. Of course, there is the other woman. If he was following his vow, he would have stayed away from her, fought any thoughts of her, and made you part of the solution. But, that didn't happen.

From my experience, he probably still loves you, but is harboring anger and resentment that he probably hasn't expressed directly to you. These bad feelings cover up his love. To further complicate your relationship, he has found a distraction in thinking about the other woman. Whatever feelings he has for her are based on fantasy, but they will feel completely real to him. It usually takes a skilled therapist to help someone realize the fantasy component, but sometimes it can be done without professional intervention. I do address this in my program on infidelity.

The marriage vow is not that he will never meet someone more attractive than you, but that when he does, he will stay away from her. The answer to both your questions is that he probably still loves you. You need more than that knowledge to repair your marriage, though, because he might never gain the insight to realize this for himself. Check out my pages on Building Fences Around Your Marriage. There are suggestions there that can help you and your husband.

My best wishes to you during this painful time,

Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.