Facebook Cheating
Facebook and cheating are in the news.
Do Facebook and other social media lead to infidelity and cheating? For part of the answer, we turn to a report of The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In February, 2010, they announced the results of their membership survey on the use of social media evidence in divorce cases. Eighty-one percent of the divorce lawyers surveyed said that the use of social media evidence in divorce cases has increased significantly during the past five years. Facebook led the pack, followed by MySpace and Twitter.
Couples bring their Facebook cheating to counseling.
In my own practice, when infidelity or cheating is involved, almost every couple wants to bring in information from text messages, Facebook, telephone records, Twitter or other electronic social media. The electronic age is truly upon us.
Online cheating is used to begin infidelity.
Sometimes the social media is used to help develop a relationship that is just beginning. For example, two people meet at work and agree to Tweet each other. Sometimes it is used for trolling. For example, someone is searching particular keywords on a social media site and checking out people of interest. The keywords might be true hobbies like fishing or old cars. Or, the person might be searching provocative keywords like affair, infidelity, or troubled marriage. Or, more directly, the married person could be trolling dating sites using an alias or even a partially-true identity.
Facebook cheating can be seemingly innocent.
Suppose someone is not interested in an affair. That person has a private Facebook account and an opposite-sex high-school classmate finds the page and writes on the wall. This person was not looking for anyone, but in the communication starts to fantasize about the classmate. They take it off of public view. The exchanges become more interesting and personal. At some point they want to meet, just to catch up, and the next thing you know there's full-blown cheating and infidelity.
Hiding infidelity is like creative accounting.
Cheating spouses find creative ways of trying to hide the truth of what is happening. Sometimes, the unfaithful spouse tries to maintain a trail of innocence. An example of this might be explaining the time, texting, or Facebook interaction as helping out a friend with _____, and just fill in the blank with almost anything.
Can you catch a cheating spouse?
Based on the couples I have worked with, the spouse suffering from the discovery of the marital affair can be relentless in discovering hidden tracs. This often takes creativity that any professional detective would be proud to claim.
What really amazes me is when the cheating spouse lies even in the face of the electronic evidence, as if the betrayed spouse were stupid. For example, the suffering spouse opens up the Facebook page or shows printouts of emails, or asks the spouse to open texting history, and the evidence is right there in the session, and still the unfaithful spouse tries to talk it away.
Go back twenty years and perhaps once in a while someone would bring in evidence of marital infidelity, such as a love letter or gift or something. But now it is so common that I am almost surprised when there is no evidence.
What is today's culture?
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that tries to normalize cheating, infidelity and divorce. On the internet, there are articles on how to manage your social media accounts without getting caught in your marital affair. So not only are people cheating using social media but there are online instructions on how to be unfaithful in a hidden way.
I recommend you protect your marriage.
In my opinion Facebook and other social media should be used in a way that clearly demonstrates to your spouse you are building a fence around your marriage in order to protect the sanctity of your marriage. My recommendation is that you not do anything that could even potentially lead to someone other than your spouse being special to you. Share passwords with spouse, identify yourself as happily married for all online profiles, or even better, have only a shared page. If you tend to complain about your spouse, fix the problem instead. Definitely don't complain publicly or over a social media.
Find a marriage counselor if you can't repair your marriage yourself. Nurture your spouse and help him or her to feel special in your eyes. You can read more about protecting your marriage in this article Strengthen the Fence Around Your Marriage.
Wishing you all success in creating a wonderful marriage.
Frank Gunzburg Ph.D.
Follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/efgunz
I am available to work privately with you at the rate of $260 per 60 minutes. Call me at (410) 654-1300 to schedule an appointment.
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