Three Steps to Follow for a Couple Arguing
A couple arguing is one way to attempt to resolve a disagreement. Arguments range from a mildly contentious exchange of ideas to an explosive personal trashing of one or both of the participants,
Ideally, arguments would be more like debating two sides of an issue. Each person presents his idea with its backing or rationale, and the other person demonstrates an understanding of that idea and then presents his idea with its backing or rationale. The first person then demonstrates his understanding, and then gives further information, and so forth until either one agrees with the other, or they agree to disagree, or they find some middle ground that leaves each of them equally satisfied or equally dissatisfied.
Unfortunately for many couples, arguments become battles of who can yell the loudest, or who persists the longest, or who can say the personally most hurtful comment. Arguments like these are filled with anger, and the original ideas get lost in the verbal and emotional shuffle.
If you are in a marriage that has become one argument after another, or if your emotions have gotten out of hand during your arguments, you probably think you will be stuck with this awful pattern as long as you are married to each other. That is not true.
You have already learned some relationship skills while you were dating. Those were skills that may have gotten you noticed, and then gotten you into a short-term relationship. There were additional skills that many of you learned when you started longer-term relationships. Once you marry, there are still more skills to learn and more maturity you have to come to terms with. Many people learn those married-relationship skills, and many don't. I'm sure you know some married people who still act single.
If you have children, there are even more relationship skills to learn and more maturity to develop. The need for more relationship skills and more maturation continue throughout marriage because there are newer and different situations to overcome in order to maintain a wonderful marriage.
If you look at our country, you will find a divorce rate of about 50%. Obviously, there is a large group of people who are not keeping up with the skills and the maturation required to maintain a healthy marriage. Many are under the mistaken impression that if marriage is "work" then the marriage shouldn't exist.
The skills of marriage are learnable, and maturation typically comes with learning the skills of long-term marriage. I want
to share three communication skills you can begin using right now.
Three Communication Skills to Learn To Manage Your Arguments
1. Managing Your Feelings
The first skill is in managing your feelings, particularly managing anger, so you can be level-headed and argue about ideas rather than sinking into your emotions. Begin to manage yourself by scheduling your bad feelings for a specific time and for a specific duration of time. For example, "I don't like that and I want to tell you about it at 8:00 pm tonight for 15 minutes. I figure the children will be in bed by then. Would that time work for you?" At the earliest possible time you feel a bad feeling about your spouse, remind yourself that you want your spouse to be your friend and you don't trash a friend.
2. Learn How to State Your Understanding of What Your Spouse Said
The second skill is learning how to state your understanding clearly to demonstrate that you truly understood what was said to you. You are not the judge over whether or not you understand your spouse. Your spouse is the only one who can determine if you fully understand or not. You will want to learn to explain your spouse's position so it makes logical sense to you, and keeps your spouse in a good light.
3. Learn How to State Your Own Position As an Idea
The third skill is learning how to state your own position as an idea so it does not seem defensive and does not attack your partner. When you are stating your position, none of your statements should state or imply that your partner is doing something wrong. You could say you might not do something that way, or that you don't like the consequences of doing whatever it was, but don't label your spouse's behavior as wrong or bad. This latter recommendation does not always work in discussions of infidelity, and there may be other rare situations where this would not apply.
When you regularly practice these three communication skills and stick with them, you should experience a significant improvement in your relationship, regardless whether your spouse is in full agreement to do so. You might also want to look at Improving Arguing Behavior for Couples.
These skills are learnable. I teach them every day to individuals and couples who come to me for relationship help. You can reach me at 1-866-654-1300 or locally at 410-654-1300 in Pikesville which is part of Baltimore, Maryland. 
I wish you all the best in your efforts to create a marriage that is better than it ever was, and wonderful in all the ways you are willing to work toward.
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D., P.A.
Registered Marriage Friendly Therapist.
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