Helping Arguing Couples To Stop Fighting All the Time
Arguing couples usually feel that they are stuck in a rut, fighting all the time. If you are part of an arguing couple, you should understand that you can learn to change this angry behavior and make your marriage better than ever.
In the beginning of a relationship people are usually on their best behavior and it takes a while for destructive behavior patterns to set in. Sometimes the honeymoon behavior lasts for several years after marriage, and only then do the angry patterns begin.
A stereotypic picture of a couple arguing might show angry faces and pointing fingers of blame. Constructive arguing is also possible. Beate Ditzen and her colleagues from the Psychological Institute of the University of Zurich demonstrated this in a recent study.
In this study positive behavior in arguing is identified as listening, confirming and laughing during an argument. Negative behavior during fighting is defined as interrupting, criticizing or degrading your partner. The arguing couples that received the hormone oxytocin showed significantly more positive behavior and a reduced level of the stress hormone cortisol than the couples that didn’t receive the oxytocin.
The administration of the hormone here is not as important to us as identifying healthy arguing behaviors versus non-productive, or even destructive, arguing behaviors. Also one can see from this University of Zurich study that cortisol is released in a greater quantity in the arguing couples exhibiting the negative behaviors. We learn from this that not only is constructive anger more satisfying emotionally, it also has less of a negative impact on us physically.
Imagine having a mental awareness and commitment to the positive behaviors mentioned above and a promise to yourself not to engage in the negative behaviors of interrupting, criticizing or degrading your spouse or partner while you are in an argument. Would you argue differently?
Another tool that would be helpful is to set a time limit on the argument and mutually agree beforehand that you will stop the discussion when the time runs out. This will help each of you to focus on the task at hand with an end in sight.
You can also manage your own behavior to:
Listen to your partner, so you give your spouse a turn to present his or her side of the story without interruption except for clarification. The way to make this commitment complete is to follow through with your commitment to listen respectfully and confirm what you hear, regardless how your spouse might misbehave during the argument.
Confirm what you heard your partner say before you start with your turn. Say back what you understood so you know you heard it correctly.
Make it your personal rule not to hurtfully criticize your partner. Each of you has a right to say your piece.
Keep your part of the discussion lighthearted and add a little appropriate laughter when possible, at least you can smile when appropriate.
Some people can read these words and immediately put them into practice. Others of you might have difficulty and will need help in managing your thinking and feeling. My program on Saving Your Marriage outlines specific steps to help you end the fighting by not getting angry in the first place. If you would like to sample my work first, I offer a free 10 step marriage-counseling e-course. 
If you want to work with me personally, my charges are based on $260 per 60 minutes in person in Baltimore, Maryland or by telephone. See my marriage counseling website for more info.
Wishing you all success in creating a great marriage,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
Registered Marriage Friendly Therapist.
1-866-654-1300
Back to Marriage Counseling and Marriage Help Home Page
Back to Free Marriage Tips and Advice Main Page
Back to Stop Marriage Anger Main Page
