|
|
 |
|
Attitude is Everything
Did you know that how you think about your spouse and what you think about your spouse will determine your feelings and actions? If you are expecting and anticipating that your spouse is going to be complaining then that is what you are going to hear more of. Since you are expecting it, it will be what stands out most when your husband or wife speaks to you.
If you expect your spouse to be dissatisfied with you or to be nasty to you then you are going to prepare an "appropriate" response in advance, even when that might not have been the intention.
When you think negative thoughts or expect negative responses, you develop a negative attitude. Attitude is what you get after you develop a style of thinking (positive or negative) and then practice it so well that it seems like you don't even have to think it out before you respond.
Having an attitude is like pre-thinking your next response.
Sometimes the problem attitude is your partner’s against you, and sometimes it will be yours against your partner.
For example, one of the areas where an attitude can develop is in how one of you chooses to spend your time. It is common for one person in the couple to complain about the other spending time focused elsewhere—away from spouse or family.
Perhaps your spouse complains that you watch too much TV, or maybe that you talk on the phone too much, or that you always sit in front of the computer, or that you spend all your time at the bar drinking with friends?
Just because your spouse develops an attitude, doesn’t mean that you are in the right. Often an attitude develops when that person has been trying to communicate something of importance and it goes unheard.
If you are serious about improving your marriage then you might have to change some of your personal habits.
Instead of spending all that time trying to plan your spouse’s next move, anticipating when he or she will complain next, why don't you turn the TV off for a while, especially when the two of you are together? At least make a valid effort to stay away from the TV for specified hours during the evening, to reduce the number of phone calls that you make or receive when you both are home, and to just shut the computer off for a while.
Certainly, if you were newly dating you would do so, no matter how busy you are.
Remember when your relationship was fresh and you couldn’t wait to spend time together. During that time you wouldn’t have dreamed of finally getting to spend some time with your partner and wasting it on an episode of Law & Order. No, instead you would have gotten a DVR box and recorded it for later or missed it altogether. You would have turned the ringer off on your phone or ignored it. And, you would include your partner in most of your social outings.
Go back to that time and remember the fun that you had together. That fun is the core of your friendship, your relationship, and your intimacy. Take time to smell the roses.
I have given you a two-sided message in this advice: Watch out for your own negative attitudes where you predict negative responses from your spouse, AND, when your spouse has a repetitive negative response to your behavior, think about the criticism and what you can do to make life better for the most important person in your world.
Change your thinking and your emotions will follow. Erase your negative expectations and, as much as possible, meet each other with a clean attitude-slate. Expect to enjoy each other and you’re more likely to.
Taking charge of your relationship in a positive way can lead you to a marriage that is better than ever.
If you want more ideas on how to improve your marriage, you can sign up for my free e-course.
Warm regards and my best wishes for a wonderful marriage,
Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D.
|
| |
| Go
to Top^ |
|
